The Art of Knock Knock Jokes
by TheWitchsFamiliar
Summary: To keep him calm during a dangerous away mission, the crew tells jokes to Data.


"Captain, the odds of me surviving this mission are 6 to 10,000."

"I am aware of that, Commander. Please do not focus on the odds." Picard patted the android on the shoulder. "You'll be fine."

"I wish I was as certain as you, Captain." Data blinked.

"I know." Picard had a special way of connecting to his men, giving a wordless sort of comfort. It was as though he was transferring courage to their bodies. He was doing this now, and his efforts seemed to have an effect on the "emotionless" officer.

Data did his best to smile. "I shall have my communicator at all times."

"As per regulation, Mr. Data." Picard stepped back behind Chief O'Brian. The transporter chief beamed the android down to the planet.

Picard walked quickly to his ready room, where all the senior staff would be waiting. Riker greeted him with a solemn nod. Everyone else was focused on Data's voice coming from the intercom. He was detailing the planet, the status of his mission, and…fears.

"I have calculated that the odds of me surviving this mission of 6 to 10,000. This means-"

"Commander Data," Picard sternly said, "Need I remind you that I said to not think about the numbers?"

"My apologies, sir. The planet's surface would have been too toxic for any humanoid creature to tolerate under any circumstances. I am able to sustain myself for a short amount of time."

"We are aware of that, Data. That's why we sent you down alone." Geordi said. "And when you beam aboard we'll have a full medical team there on standby, ok?"

"Ok. And Geordi?"

"Yea Data?"

"In the event that I do not return, I want you to give Spot to Lt. Barclay. She enjoys his company."

"Data, don't think like that." Troi said. "It'll increase your anxiety."

"I do not have anxiety, Consoler."

"I'm not so sure, Data." Geordi laughed. "You seem pretty riled up."

"Yes. I suppose so. If this is the case, then I will also be experiencing my own version of fear."

Picard immediately shut off the communicator.

"He needs to be kept calm throughout the mission; or he puts himself and us in peril danger. Suggestions."

"He's been experimenting with different types of humor, sir." Geordi said. "Maybe we could tell him jokes."

"But would he respond in the same way that a human would?" Riker asked. "Jokes may just serve to confuse and frighten him even more."

"We could teach him a new form a joke." Dr. Crusher leaned back and ran her fingers over her lips.

"What has he not studied yet, Mr. LaForge?" Picard turned his attention to the Chief Engineer.

"He didn't know what I was talking about when I asked him for a knock-knock joke this morning."

"Very well." Picard flicked the communicator back on.

"-And that's why the atmosphere is unsuitable to sustain life."

"Data, how are you feeling?" Picard asked.

"I am still…for lack of better words…scared, Captain."

"Well, Data, we're going to tell you a few jokes, to cheer you up."

"Very well sir, but I must remind you that I am incapable appreciating them fully."

"Understood. Worf," Picard turned to Worf, "Tell a joke."

"Uh." Worf looked around at the others, desperate for escape. "Knock, knock."

"Is this a form of humor, Commander?"

"Yes, Data." Picard took over. "You have to answer 'who's there' because he's knocking at your door. Try again."

"Knock, knock." Said Worf.

"Who is there?"

"Boo."

"I am opening my metaphorical door to allow you into my home, Boo."

"No, Data." Picard gently scolded. "You still don't know who Boo is, so you should ask for his last name. You reply 'Boo who?' Try it again."

"Knock, knock." Worf did not seem pleased.

"Who is there?"

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"Please do not cry. It was only a joke."

There was complete silence on Data's side.

"Data…?" Geordi's voice held worry.

"I understand! Humans use the term 'boo who' to represent crying, and when I asked for Boo's surname, I had unwittingly said 'boo who', to which you ask me not to cry! Thank you, Worf. That was an amusing joke. Do you have any more of these…knock, knock jokes?

"I do." Riker had a mischievous look on his face. Troi gulped.

"Please share it, Commander."

"Knock, knock."

"Who is there?"

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"…who is there?"

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who is there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?" Data sounded curious.

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

Silence. Then:

"Commander, I understand. Orange was used to substitute the word 'Aren't', and banana is a word that is associated with the joke restarting itself. Therefore, when you said 'orange', I would be glad you did not say banana, for that would mean that the joke is continuing."

"Yes, Data." Geordi smiled at his friend's understanding.

"My turn." Picard tugged his shirt, preparing a joke to say. "Knock, knock."

"Who is there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Interrupting co-"

"Moo!"

The only sound from Data's side was the quiet stomping of his feet on the ground.

"Sir, you presented yourself to me as the interrupting cow, then proceeded to interrupt me." Data sounded like he was figuring out something complicated.

"That's the joke, Data." Picard swallowed.

"Sir, may I be frank?"

"Go ahead."

"That was a terrible attempt at humor."

Everyone except for Data and Picard laughed.


End file.
